Monday, November 30, 2009

Matty's Monday Maledictions

It's that time again for me to take all of those things that have bothered the hell out of me all week and put them on the site. It helps if you picture me screaming and flailing my arms while I do it, it seems to make it just a hair funnier. So without further ado...

1. Why do the F&*%ing Colts get every call, even ones that didn't happen?

Since 2004, the Indianapolis Colts have bugged the living hell out of me. Since falling to the Patriots in the playoffs in January of 2005, the Colts have since gotten the rules for defensive pass interference, illegal contact, and defensive holding changed (which has affected every defense throughout the league), per Tony Dungy and GM Bill Polian, who were key parts of the NFL Competition Committee. So far this year, a very, very bad PI call in the Pats/Colts game 2 weeks back swung momentum of a game that was almost over back to the Colts far before the 4th and 2 call later in the game. Yesterday, with the Colts down 20-7 in the third quarter, Peyton Manning flung the ball deep to receiver Pierre Garcon. The ball was thrown 8 yards over the receiver's head, and the Texans defender was running with Garcon stride for stride, with both bumping into the each other just a little. I bet you know what happened from there. The Colts were set-up in the Texan red zone, and Manning found Reggie Wayne a few players for a touchdown that put Uncle Mo(mentum) squarely with the Colts. This happens all the time. In every Colts game there is a call that is just awful, and somehow it favors them. Remember Troy Polamalu's interception in the playoffs against Manning a few years back that was ruled incomplete? Prime example. The Colts are going to continue to have an advantage in every game from here on out, because not only do they have a good team, there will not be a questionable call that ever goes against them. Here's hoping the Titans can overcome the officiating next week and make Mercury Morris happy once again.

2. Home Depot, what the hell?

So last week the dryer just stops ,well, drying things. There is nothing like having to buy a new dryer in the middle of Christmas shopping, because obviously you have "new dryer" budgeted it in at all times, right? Anyways, I go online to Home Depot and order a new dryer, mainly because they have free shipping, install and the dryer was about $200 off. Order placed Saturday afternoon, and now I wait for them to call me within 48 hours to set-up a delivery time. This morning I get an email stating that it might be "4-7" days before I get that phone call, because they were "overwhelmed" with the response to this weekend's shopping. Overwhelmed? IT WAS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND!!!!!! Did you just expect people to not buy anything???? So now, as I wait patiently for Home Depot to get off their ass and bring me my dryer, my clothes dry on one of those wooden racks in the laundry room, I am waiting for the phone call when they say "Mr. Boutwell, sorry it took so long to get back to you. The dryer you ordered is actually out of stock. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused." A wet ass is always an inconvenience and hanging my clothes to dry like it is 1976 is an inconvenience. I will update this when I know more, but I have a hunch I won't have a working dryer by next Saturday.

3. The Tiger Woods saga

Is any of this really our business? No, of course not. Do any of us have the RIGHT to know what happened? Not really. Do we still want to know all the details of how a minor car crash left Woods lying on the round with facial lacerations and blood in his mouth? Hell and yes. Look, the entire story doesn't jive with anything. Why would his wife need to smash out the rear window? Was he in a ravine? If the airbags didn't deploy how in the hell was only his face beaten to hell? If this situation were in reverse, and it was Tiger's wife and him switching places, Tiger Woods would be in jail right now, and woman's organizations would be be telling her to step up and compare her to Rihanna. So, I ask, regardless of whether or not Woods dipped his pen into strange ink, why is it ok for this to be swept under the rug? Why should we think it's ok that Woods and his wife have turned authorities away from interviewing them on at least two separate occasions now? I understand this is a private matter, but when I buy my kids the Tiger Woods Video game, or watch Woods pitch General Motors products and Guitar Hero, I would like to know if this guy is a womanizer who had his ass kicked by his wife, or if he is just the worst driver in history next to Billy Joel and Nick Hogan.

4. Hines Ward should shut the hell up

In an interview with NBC last night, Hines Ward was very critical of teammate Ben Roethlisberger for complaining of headaches this week after workouts which are remnants of the concussion Big Ben suffered last week. Recently there has been a huge league and congressional issue over concussions and head injuries and the way the NFL deals with them. This week two star quarterbacks in Roethlisberger and the Cardinals Kurt Warner both missed games the week after getting their bell rung, something that probably wouldn't have happened last year. After watching Troy Aikman and Steve Young's careers end prematurely due to head injuries, and seeing the struggles Ted Johnson and many others have had due to head trauma suffered in the NFL, I for one have no problem with these guys sitting down until they are right. For Hines Ward to call his quarterback out like that on national television is selfish, self-serving and amazingly douche-tastic. Someday, these guys will need to do something other than play football, and really difficult to do that when your brain is a scrambled egg. Ward was recently voted the league's dirtiest player, in this situation I would say we could add "League's Biggest Ass-Hat" on their as well.

The opinions above are those of Matt Boutwell, publisher of The CMSB, and not of The Big Jab 96.3, the rest of CMSB Media, or the Boutwell family in general. All Rights Reserved.

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