Friday, October 10, 2008

The Jesse Palmer Experience

When I discovered that Doug Flutie was not returning for Thursday night broadcasts this year, I was quite amused by the fact that Jesse Palmer was going to be joining Craig James and Chris Fowler in the booth. Palmer, who is best known for being on “The Bachelor” and being Eli Manning's neighbor, somehow managed to parlay his 15 minutes of fame into a job with the worldwide leader. After many awkward exchanges last season as an in-studio analyst, I was amazed they moved him to the booth, however, I am assuming they moved him so he would only have to research one game a week, which of course would lighten his mind. The best part is when he tries to sound smart, as he seems to suffer from an Emmitt Smith-style issue of mispronouncing phrases and the like (must be a Florida Gator thing). With the back story complete, I give you “The Jesse Palmer Experience”

I am beginning to wonder if Fowler and James do everything they can to talk enough to keep Palmer from talking, as Palmer did not talk until 6 minutes into the game broadcast. They seem to give him these little homework assignments, like talking about certain players such as Cullen Harper and James Davis. I have a hunch he is just regurgitating things from the media guide when he does that.

First “Potent Quotable”- (talking about the weight of Boo Robinson)

“He used to be 345 pounds and was a really big Boo Robinson, he trimmed down, more svelte able to run to that sideline and make a play”

Instant Analysis-Jesse Palmer knows all the phrases for weight loss. When he gains weight and ends up with Berman, Marino,and Golic in the Nutri-System commercials he can put that knowledge to good use.

PQ-Talking about the Wake defensive line-“Different lotations”. Yes, lotations, I rewound it and listened to it 5 times. I believe he meant locations.

PQ-On Riley Skinner-“He threw a couple of turnovers early”. I am assume he means interceptions. Unless of course you can throw a fumble now.

PQ-”Last year he completed 72% of his passes, he is completing 69% for his career. UNBELIEVABLE!”

PQ-”Wake Forests play-calls have been very conservative so far, quick runs and passes trying to move the chains”-Um, conservative isn't lining your QB up on the flank and running the wildcat, it's running your fullback up the middle for 3 yards. I know Steve Spurrier was your coach, but come on...

Note-Palmer so far has said Wake Forest's offensive coordinator's full name 3 times in the first quarter, a la Joe Theisman, I am going to keep a total on that for the game.

PQ- (2 minutes after saying the Deacons are being too conservative) “They are really doing this in unconventional ways”. So can you be conservative and unconventional? Can I get a ruling on this?

PQ-”I have the mindset that when you get inside the 5 yard line, you take your offensive line, get into those tight splits and let's get physical.” Yeah, well, that was too easy....

Note-Palmer has now said “unbelievable” 5 times and the first quarter isn't over yet. Now that is unbelievable...

Note-Palmer's favorite words are “huge”, “unbelievable”, and “absolutely”. Either that or he doesn't know any others....

Palmer starts in with the “big splits again”, and gets Craig James to join him.

Talking about Riley Skinner running the ball “He doesn't FREAK OUT or panic”

Palmer is great at yelling the words he wants you to hear, and mumbling ones he doesn't...

PQ-Talking about a Clemson linebacker “He is very accountable on every play.” Did Florida have a “Bad Media Communication 101” class?

7 mentions of Wake's O-Coordinator (Title and full name every time)

PQ- “Blitzing is like playing hot potato with a hand grenade, any of these guys can go off at any time.” I am sure soldiers who have dealt with grenades absolutely LOVE that visual, Jesse.

Final Tally for Palmer's favorite words....

Huge-4 times

Unbelievable-8 times

Absolutely-5 times

He is also the crew's token “read fun facts from the media guide representative”.

I wonder if Erin Andrews and Palmer have a thing? They both went to Florida and all (can someone start this rumor please?)

The Prognosis:

At this point in his career, Palmer is a cross between Paul Maguire and Joe Theismann, only with inaudible mumbling and slurring added for fun. He may improve, but the odds on that are about 10-1.



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