Friday, July 31, 2009

Hit Like A Girl Volume 4-Weren't You Wearing Pink Today?



I don’t give a damn about the trade deadline. Just move everyone around and let me know when it’s settled so we can get on with the season. Since the Sox continue to play horribly this week and everyone else is waxing poetic about David Ortiz's PED use, I’m going to talk about something that makes every sports fan happy.

Boobs.

More correctly, we are talking about boobs and fashion.

Now, I’m about to say something profound, so pay attention. Just because I have breasts does not mean that I love the color pink and that I don’t understand sports. I actually go to sporting events to watch the game, scream at the other team, scream even louder for my team, and to stuff as much overpriced junk food and beer into my mouth as humanly possible. I don’t go to sporting events to twirl my hair or make my boyfriend feel smart by asking dumb questions every 5 minutes

And I definitely do not go to wear pink.

Monday night, I went to Fenway Park. Sunday afternoon, I was frantically running around looking for a Dustin Pedroia jersey to wear. See, I used to own a Coco Crisp t-shirt, but wearing that is now null and void. Unfortunately, my plan to bring my wardrobe up to date by a quick trip to the mall failed. It should to be easy to be in style and a fan, but it isn’t.

I should mention that I had my mind set on a woman’s shirt. For those of you who perhaps have never noticed, girls are shaped differently from boys. It turns out women’s jerseys are as rare as a Jason Bay homerun these days. Hell, it’s worse: they’re as rare as a Red Sox win. I should mention that these women’s jerseys do exist. But they seem to be exclusive to the Internet and online they cost about the same as a small car. All I’m asking is to be able to walk into a store and buy a jersey that fits properly without having to take out a mortgage.

And let’s be honest, no one will argue against manufacturing anything that shows off the ladies. This should be easy, I figured.

My boyfriend and I decided to check at Bob’s first because it’s inexpensive, and since I just finished college I have no intention of paying 60 dollars for a nice jersey. Not surprisingly, we didn’t have any luck at Bob’s. First, there wasn’t any women’s section, per se. Second, all they had was simply a section with lots of pink tee shirts and hats and then a few too-tight tees with absolutely worthless players’ names sewn across the back. This was the kind of stuff for those girls who squeal a lot, who chomp gum, and who are really attending the game to show off their orange “sun-kissed” skin fresh roasted in the tanning booth.

Pink sports gear just says, “I am clueless and brainless, but I sure am damned cute!”

With no luck at Bob’s, our next stop was Dick’s. Dick’s is supposed to be Sports Heaven so I was sure that I would have more luck here.

We had all the luck of Papelbon against Oakland Tuesday night.

The women’s “section” was again full of pink, players’ names no one gives a damn about (talking about you JD Drew), and youth sizes. Eventually I accepted that I was going to have to buy a youth-size shirt. This may have been the cause of my week-long rant about clothing fitting properly.

I waited a hell of a long time to develop a figure. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, internet, but when I was in high school my girl-friends called my breasts my “mosquito bites.” They were friendly, supportive, sweet girls, and I hope all of them have died slow painful deaths. I think I had to wear those terrible “youth” sizes until I was 17 years old, but now, I have a figure, such as it is, and it is all mine, not an ounce of silicone, and damn it all, I am entitled to a shirt with a shape! I do not want to wear a garment that makes me look like a pack of cigarettes with legs. And I most definitely don’t want to wear pink.

Call me a rebel.

Attention Marketers! There are plenty of sports-savvy ladies out here! In fact, the day after my failed jersey search, three women I know come told me they agreed with my argument. They wanted a jersey that fits them properly and for a reasonable price! I swear, there is a market for this. Get on it!

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter.

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