Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hit Like a Girl Volume 7- May I Get Your Remote, David Whitley?

(Editor's Note:Normally I run Hit Like a Girl on Friday's, but upon reading this article it had to be posted ASAP)

This article is going to get me back on the feminist’s good side. Perhaps it’s because I had a crappy morning that was topped off by some fat trucker whistling at me while I pumped my gas or perhaps it’s because I wore 3-inch heels all day, but I’m feeling particularly proud to have a rack at the moment.

Last weekend, Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighters Gina Carano and Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos made women’s MMA history. Yes, this involved beating the crap out of each other. Rather, it involved Cyborg beating the crap out of Carano, but that’s beside the point. This match was a breakthrough for women’s MMA with 13,524 fans in the HP Pavillion for the event and even more watching at home. David Whitley, a writer for AOL, thinks that this is only “supposedly” a breakthrough. But that’s because he’s an idiot.

I can type that because the Internet is a glorious thing.

Whitley goes further than saying that this is only “supposedly” a breakthrough, however. In fact, his entire article (which is here) champions double standards and drips with misogynistic comments like, “[men] are territorial, hunter-gatherers, hard-wired to see who is the king of the jungle. Women will show more fight than 10 men when their children are threatened, but they need a good reason to drop the gloves. Men just need an excuse.”

Let’s take a step back and examine this beautiful piece of journalism a bit closer.

“The ancient Greeks who started the Olympics treated women like property. Now we're letting women treat themselves like animals.”
So letting women fight like men is a step back for women’s rights? Because that’s what I’m getting from this. Oh, by the way, thanks to all you men for “letting” us treat ourselves like animals. It’s such an honor to be allowed to do anything at all. Should I make you dinner now? Why don’t you put your feet up. Here’s the remote control.

“When it comes to female fighters, the MMA still has less depth than Paris Hilton.”
Yes, Internet, he really made that comparison. Because fighting involves no skill. Especially MMA since it requires ability in multiple fighting techniques. But what do I know? Perhaps Whitley can box, do Jiu Jitsu, and Muay Thai. No depth here, move along.

“If female combat is going to ever make it big, it will need competitors who look like strippers and fight like bouncers.”
Evidently Whitley hasn’t taken a close look at Cyborg. (Dear Cristiane Santos: please don’t pound my face in.)

“Women are called the better half for a reason. They are better than men.”
Not only are we better than men, but if we keep fighting each other like this who will clean the house? And raise the children? AND COOK THE DINNER?! I think I’m starting to get it now. We must stop this insanity before it ruins our women.

“At least we've dialed it down to boxing and MMA. I'm not a big fan of the steel cage, but I'm not against it. It taps into our historic thirst for a little bloodsport. Of the hundreds of sports events I've covered, nothing matches the primal buzz right before a title bout.”
But only if you have a penis.

“I love it. I just can't get psyched to find out who will be the female Mike Tyson. Is there something wrong with me or something wrong with somebody who does?”
Cupcake, there is certainly nothing wrong with you.

“If nothing else, I'll never become a member of the IOC [International Olympic Committee]. The movement began in the Cradle of Civilization, and now the modern minds have decreed that women should be allowed to knock each other's heads off.”
Oh that’s right! The manly men are going to allow us women-folk to punch each other at the Olympics. I can’t even be sarcastic anymore... Mr Whitley, I hope watching the Olympics makes you feel dirty and wrong in horrible, horrible ways.

In closing, Whitley says, “If you see this as progress, so be it. For some reason, it doesn't make me feel any more civilized.” To his credit, he throws in phrases like, “that concludes the Male Chauvinist Pig portion” and “I'd last about 16 seconds in the cage with Cyborg.”

David Whitley, I forgive you. After all, you must have typed this article with your penis and a hammer because you, my friend, are all that is man and that is just damn impressive. Thank you for protecting our uteruses – may they function well and be fruitful.

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter She will post her gas-pumping schedule in the upcoming days so that you too may whistle at her.



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