I’m having a hard time deciding which sport to write about this week. The Red Sox just made the playoffs, the Bruins season opener was last night(editor's note:fail), the Patriots season is underway, and the Celtics have started their training camp.
I feel like I should be keeping notes so that when someone asks me, “Did you see what happened during the [insert team here] game?” I can just flip through my "Notebook of Sports Knowledge" and give them a little summary. “Why yes, I did see Lester get pegged in the knee.” Something is bound to go wrong with the notebook tactic though. I have this image of myself reading from it and then getting mixed up or skipping a line. “Why yes, I did see Lester get pegged in the knee and then he crashed a plane and has internal bleeding.” [Note: I have no idea why news about planes crashing and internal bleeding are in my sports notebook]
What?
My head is confused, that’s what. I would like to request that a sports site have a feature on Friday’s aptly titled, “This Week in Sports.” They already have that? Shut up, I know. What I want is “This Week in Sports” with a summary explaining my stance on the big sports stories of the week. It’s not that I don’t care enough to make my own decisions; it’s just that I’m a busy lady with far too many interests. I also work too much. So, without further ado, I shall give you a format of this. Someone else needs to pick this up though. Lest you forget, I’m the one with Sports Uncertainty Disorder (SUD). It’s serious.
This Week in Sports:
Red Sox | The Sox Make the Playoffs!
You feel like every other Boston sports fan this week upon finding out that the Boston Red Sox have squeezed their way into the playoffs. You will complain about how they have lost the past 6 games and that you just don’t think they have it this year. Five minutes later you will say that you think they may be able to make it all the way through if they could just pull it together.
Patriots | Your Offense Stinks!
The Pats managed to steal a win last week against the Falcons. And trust me, it had nothing to do with their offense. You’re amazed that they’ve won at all this season, and you’re thinking about starting a Facebook group called “Galloway Sux”, or something else equally creative. During the next game, make sure to yell louder at the TV than usual and proclaim to all of your friends that we’re doomed. Always remember: when in doubt, we’re doomed.
Celtics | KG has “Just got to play.”
This week Kevin Garnett got kicked in the leg and hobbled off the court sending Boston in to a momentary state of panic. However, according to Garnett, he was fine “two seconds later.” You believe him because he’s frighteningly talented and you think that he’s going to kick ass this season. Recommended Phrase: KG is back, baby. Use it as much as possible.
Bruins | Milan Lucic is Still a Babe
That’s really all you need to know.
As you can see, I’m wildly unqualified for this job. All I’m saying is that someone out there could make some good money off this idea. That concludes “This Week in Sports.” You’re welcome.
Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter
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