Thursday, November 19, 2009
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)– noun: a form of depression most often associated with sports fans in northern latitudes, particularly New England, from the late fall to the early spring.
Sound familiar? That’s because Seasonal Affective Disorder was originally invented as a term to describe New England sports fans when all or some of the New England-based teams were LOSING CONSTANTLY. Eventually New Englanders became embarrassed by having a type of depression named in their miserable honor, so they started using it to describe others. It caught on, and very few people know the truth of the origin of the term.
What would you guys do without me? I’m dropping bombs of knowledge like you wouldn’t believe.
So it’s about that time of year, huh? The Red Sox didn’t make it to the series, the Celtics just finally broke a losing streak, the Bruins are more up and down than a pregnant woman’s mood swings, and the Pats… well, that wound is still fresh so I won’t go there. Anyone who listens to sports radio is ready to blow their brains out over that topic anyway.
What’s a New Englander to do about SAD, you ask? It’s funny you mention that, for I have a list of suggestions ready to be followed blindly!
[Note: These remedies will not work if you’re sober or in any way in your right mind]
1. My boyfriend has a friend named Dave. Dave has a drink of choice. Captain Morgan’s and coke. Diet Coka, Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke, it’s up to you. Go wild! When Dave drinks Captains and the Pats lose, he’s too numb to care! (Aside from the time he punched that hole in the wall after the Super Bowl That Shall Not Be Named) For example, last week he drank beer instead of Captains. When the Patriots lost, he went into his room and no one ever heard from him again. He could be dead. I’m not sure anyone has checked. See what can happen if you’re not drinking the hard stuff?
2. Do the Jason Varitek. It’s all the rage these days! All you need to do is pretend like all is well. "Boston teams are losing, huh… I hadn’t heard that. Oh well, I’ll just be over here awkwardly hanging by a thread and pretending not to care." I’m telling you, this shit is fool-proof.
3. Blackmail Milan Lucic into breaking plexi-glass over all your rivals’ heads. Now that his adorable little finger is better, you can sick him on practically anyone. You’ve got to figure he got pretty bored all cooped up. You just can’t tame a wild animal. Send him to the homes of Peyton Manning, Alex Rodriquez, the gross Canadian guy who plays for the Phoenix Suns, and Joey Porter! OK, maybe not Joey Porter. He seems to ruin his own life well enough on his own. Point is, I suspect Looch has a lot of pent-up, violent energy.
4. Give yourself a good concussion. When was the last time you had one? In fact, put yourself into a coma. Perhaps when you wake up New England teams will have done something productive. Perhaps.
5. Take up knitting and become a crazy cat person. Enough said.
If all of this fails, well, you’re doomed to be a Boston fan regardless. Just suffer through the games like you always do and try to pretend that you don’t love all these sons-of-bitches playing for a New England team. After all, fall in New England just wouldn’t feel right with a good amount of masochism and misery.
Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. She is nowhere to be found on Mr. Skin, so stop asking. Seriously. Yes, you.