Friday, December 11, 2009

Hit Like a Girl-Winter Meetings Distress


I never give a damn about the winter meetings, but this year they’ve brought on a slew of infuriation.

Boof Bonser?

Bay?

Bye-bye Lowell?

Bridge year?!

None of this is any good Mr. Epstein. I don’t approve. Don’t worry, I’m going to tell you why. Let’s go in order by the list above, shall we?

Boof Bonser
I’m more irritated by this guys name than I am with the fact that he’s not going to bring anything to the team. And he goes by Boof by choice. I can’t even keep writing about this because it’s just making me angry.

Jason Bay
Just sign the man already, will you? Red Sox management and Bay have been doing this dance for far to long now. In theory, Jason Bay is the Red Sox first priority, but you certainly wouldn’t know it. Spend the money! It’s proven that he plays well in Boston. He’s a solid and reliable player. I just have a feeling that if we don’t sign Bay, we’re going to get a couple players for less money with less talent and it’s going to be a miserable situation. They’ll be happy in the front office though, I’m sure. Who doesn’t love a bargain?!

Bye-Bye Mike Lowell
I’m in a state of extreme distress over this one. I love Mike Lowell. He was the Red Sox that made me admit to liking the Red Sox. It’s his fault that I have been shunned by my family, made to change my last name, and been ruthlessly taunted! As of right now, 8:00 on Thursday, December 10, the Lowell deal has not gone through. Some sources say that it’s 75% done, some sources say there only needs to be a physical. I even stumbled upon one that said it was a no-go. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find it since. Like a fool, I closed the window when my supervisor walked over to talk to me about deadlines. I almost jumped out of my chair and screamed, “They put a deadline on this trade?! When is it?! IS HE LEAVING ME?!”

Honestly, if the deal pans out (which it likely will), it’s going to be sad to see Mike Lowell go. He’s the 2007 World Series MVP and an overall class act. But don’t worry about me, I’ve already taken 3 days bereavement leave from work in anticipation of this thing working out. Should he be traded, look for a video of me crying on YouTube similar to the likes of the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” meltdown. However, please note that I will not preemptively make this video. I’m clinging to the hope that Lowell will stay in Boston. I will, however, include a photo of how I'm feeling right now...

Bridge Year
Hey Theo Epstein and John Henry? Screw you guys.

“Oh, uhhh, hi. It’s going to be a bridge year for us. Blah blah transitions blah blah, we’re raising ticket prices.” Oh, ok. That’s cool you guys. I wouldn’t want to spend on quality players either.

Sarcasm aside, what is wrong with this organization? I mean, I know Boston fans have something against organizations spending mass quantities of money (See: New York Yankees), but if we want to compete, we need to spend. And we have the means. Sign a quality player like Holliday. Hell, sign a decent player like Bay. I know the last thing we want to be is the Yankees, but we need to spend some money! We can’t just sit around, make offers that are obviously going to be bested by NY, bitch about how those bastards got who we wanted again, and then spend on a couple less expensive, meh players. It’s like shopping at a store like Forever 21 instead of Nordstrom. At Forever 21, you can get some decent clothes. They look pretty nice, and you can buy two or three items for the price of one at Nordstrom! But then, after a few washes, holes start to appear and you realize that your money would have been better spent on that cashmere sweater instead of those three mystery-fabric tops. Sigh.

I’m mad, I’m distressed, and should I happen to run into Theo Epstein during our “bridge year”, I’m going to kick him in the balls.

So this is what it’s like to be a Sox fan…

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. She was a once a Yankees fan, but you would never know it...

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