Monday, July 14, 2008

Home-Run Derby 2008


We are live once again from my living room, complete with air conditioners, lemonade, and apparently the voice of Yankee Stadium (creepy)....

ESPN welcomes us with yelling from one Chris Berman, who is trying to get an intern to find anyone wearing leather in the stands.

My prediction is Chase Utley, a total homer pick (no pun intended).

Did I mention there were no Yankees in the Home Run Derby? I may not have but Jayson Stark did. To channel my inner Austin Powers "Ouch, baby, major ouch".

Karl Ravech, John Kruk, Peter Gammons and Rick Reilly are at the Baseball Tonight set. Rick Reilly? Really?! He's with ESPN now? I had no idea....

How many more people are going to pick Josh Hamilton? Yes it's a great story, former crack addict, 95 RBI's at the break, 71 year old former coach throwing to him, blah, blah, blah.

Joe Morgan, Chris Berman, and John Kruk are on board with my Utley pick. Shoot me.

Chris Berman, Steve Phillips and Chris Berman. Calling the homerun derby. Together. I have an idea I may have some snarky comments to make about this trio.

Apparently it's all about the State Farm agents this year, no one gets to win a house from Century 21 this year (not like there is a bank that could finance it in this country anyways).

Erin Andrews is hitting on Derek Jeter, I wonder if she loses her Red Sox Nation card for that? In fact that's an interesting question. If you are a female Red Sox fan, and you manage a one night stand with Derek Jeter, what are the rules on that? Can you even tell your friends? Jeter is picking Josh Hamilton, too. Good lord. Back with the Derby in a second.

No Century 21 contest, but Boys and Girls clubs that are paired with derby participants to get 50k for their B+G Club. Nice.

Dan Uggla leads off. Berman somehow managed a "Let go Gallego" spin. Wonderful. Uggla has 2 hr's so far. Hey a kid in the outfield actually caught a fly ball! Upper deck shot for #3. 4 hr's, 6 outs now after another fly ball gets caught. 7 outs after a liner to third. 8 out on a nice snag by a kid in the stands off a bounce. 5 hr's, 9 outs, and we have our first kid dropping a ball tonight. He looked like Miss USA on that one. A gold ball gets knocked out, and Uggla ends up with 6 home runs total.

Grady Sizemore, the pick of one Peter Gammons, is up next. Chicks dig Grady. Rick Reilly compares being here too eating only dessert. Wow, that's the insight we need from him. Hey look, David Ortiz (I will see him in Portland next week)! Sizemore has two upper deck shots. Erin Andrews talking to Ortiz, who is sitting on the NL side for some reason. She mentions Pawtucket, but not Portland. Sizemore has 3 upper deck shots now, someone start the HGH rumors. Joe Morgan points out how Sizemore is getting tired, then Sizemore nearly hits one off the facade. Typical Morgan. 6 hr's for Sizemore, only a mild headache for me so far.

Evan Longoria at the dish now, the pride and joy of Tampa Bay. Fat guy in Cano jersey, who brought a glove, drops it back on the field. He can now go back to his mom's basement and talk of the time he almost caught a ball in Yankee Stadium. Rick Reilly just mentioned Hitler, somewhere Jemele Hill just clapped and said "Suck on that Boston, represent the D, Rick!" Longoria has 3 hr's, two upper decks back to back, and that's it. More like Eva Longoria. Yeah, I know, I know...

Utley is up, 2 outs now. 3 outs. Not looking good. Finally goes yard, at least he won't be shut out. 5 outs. Now one goes off the second deck railing. That was a laser. 2 home runs, 7 outs, web gem from kid in outfield. Number 4 goes off the black, 9 outs. The gold ball must be juiced. Number 5 into the upper deck, and that is it for Mr Utley. Someone was wearing an Utley college jersey, good work there. That's it for my pick. Lance Berkman, the Big Puma, is up next.

Nice Josh Gibson mention there. I think Jamie Quirk is pitching to Berkman, who is hitting left-handed, contrary to all previous reports. Wonderful. 4 home runs, 6 outs. Great home run by a kid out on the black in center on home run number 8. Berkman leads. Still 3 more to go, and it's already 9:03. Why does Directv always put this event as two hours? It's always at least 3.

Rick Reilly is complaining there are no Hispanics or African-Americans in the derby, very good point out by him. He suggests a "Former Champions" category, which I can't believe I agree with. That must be why he makes the big bucks. Rudy Giuliani is there, this should really help his campaign for President. Oh, wait, he didn't win the Republican nomination? Never mind. Andrews is talking to Josh Hamilton. I am going to be the one to say this. Erin Andrews needs to stop wearing the puffy shirts. Seriously. Enough. You're hot, but you can't get away with dressing like a pirate. My patience is running out on this. Stop it. Meanwhile Justin Morneau, who really sucked at this last year, has 8 home runs and looks to be on his way to round 2, which will start at 12:15 EST at the current rate.

Berkman has the longest shot so far, 476 feet. Ryan Braun is up now for the NL. Berman is trying to drop Brewers knowledge with Phillips and Morgan. Not a pretty sight. Braun channels his inner-Nomar and adjusts his batting gloves after 3 outs and no home runs. 6 outs, no home runs. Braun finally gets off the snide with a home run to right center and follows that up with a shot to left. He's up to 4 now, and Peter Gammons is comparing him to Mark McGwire, while Reilly points out McGwire's weight gain from 1987 to 2001. Braun is up to 7 home runs now and should be in in the next round after starting out 0-6. Hamilton is up next.

Hamilton hits one 502 feet off the Budweiser sign. Hey did you guys know he beat drug addiction? Just in case you didn't, now you do. He almost hit it again. I don't know what's better about this, the fact he is coming through as the biggest story in baseball or that he managed to get to Yankee Stadium, which has more than it's fair share of crack dealers in the neighborhood. Edinson Volquez, the man he was traded for, brings him a briefcase. No idea what's in there. Is this guy Roy Hobbs or what? The Umpire in right, who looks pissed, denies Hamilton on a Jeffrey Maier type catch. Lighten up, guy. Hamilton has 9 home runs now. Milton Bradley plays Mick to Hamilton's Rocky. 10 home runs now. 11. 6 outs. 12. This 71 year old pitcher is really doing well. Hamilton is signing autographs between at bats. This guy is even winning me over. 15 home runs and counting. 16 now. 3 kids fight in the black after 17, security guards break it up. That was 497 feet. 18 almost left the yard. 20 now. I really want him to hit the video screen and bust it open like the Natural, maybe take out a light. 22 home runs and a token shot of Babe Ruth's monument. Fat men fight with children. 23 home runs, only 8 outs. Hits the black again for 24. Token shot of Reggie Jackson's monument. I think he may be moving on to the finals, as all home runs carry to the next round. #25 is a record, most home runs in the first round in Derby history. Hamilton could hit the Mastercard million sign. The pitcher is up to 48 pitches. 27 home runs. This may go until Christmas. 28. Finally an out. 9 outs, gold ball time. Fly out to left and that's it, 28 home runs. They should end this now. Seriously. You know what? I am. You can't top that. Start the "Hamilton to Yankees rumors" as soon as as possible.

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