Thank you, Kessel!

Oh Bruins fans, you are so amusing.

Last night, Tyler Seguin scored his second NHL goal. At home. Against the Toronto Maple Leafs. The team who essentially secured the Bruins Tyler Seguin. Thanks for sucking last year, guys!

Chants of "Thank you, Kessel!" rained down onto the ice, but don't worry. Kessel didn't care.

“I could care less, to tell you the truth. It doesn’t matter to me one bit,’’ he said.

Well, it matters to fans. And you still look like a troll. I'm telling you guys, Kessel has a little jewel in his belly button.


The resemblance is scary, right?

Let's get back to what's important. The players that the Bruins shipped out haven't only landed us Tyler Seguin. They've landed us the likes of Nathan Horton, and Greg Campbell. A previously under-achieving dinkus and the son of the league's disciplinarian have turned out to be a goal scoring machine and a scrappy little nutbag. Not too shabby, right? And lets not forget that not only has Tyler Seguin shown fans and Bruins staff that he can adapt and learn in his new NHL environment, but he's now officially officially a member of the Boston Bruins. That's right, friends. They've decided to keep the lad. This means two things:

1. The Bruins are going to kick some serious butt this year.
   
2. I get to feel like a pedophile for as long as Seguin is on the Bruins.

I'm getting old, guys. I'm 5 years older than Tyler Seguin. When I look at his rock solid abs and think about washing my panties on them, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being attracted to someone who is younger than my little brother. I'm a sick, sick person. Why can't everyone look like Nathan Horton?

So that's what I'll be doing for the next week. Fantasizing about a Stanley Cup and trying to keep my dirty mind in check.

Samantha Lewis is a flake and an occasional sports blogger. She has now added "cougar" to that list. Please pray for her salvation. You can follow her on Twitter here.