Hit Like a Girl-Pap Smeared

Has anyone checked to see if Papelbon is still breathing? I can’t close my eyes without seeing the stricken look on his face after Sunday’s game.

Until recently, Papelbon was invincible. Post-season jitters? No. The other team had post-season jitters when Papelbon was on the mound, knowing that he would strike them out with the force of a thousand angry gods! He would smite them with his four-seam! Embarrass them with his curve ball!

It was all quite remarkable.

Now I just feel bad for the poor guy. After years of epic outings, Sox fans have left him for dead.

“Oh, that’s it. It’s just like Rivera in ’04.”
“Yep. Papelbon just doesn’t have it anymore! He’s done.”

Folks, let’s be realistic. Papelbon has great stats as a closer. (No, I’m not getting into those here. My eyes start to bleed when I stare at statistics, remember?) But now, after just one loss, albeit an important one, we’re discounting everything that he’s done for the Sox. People! Papelbon is a household name! Why do you think that is? It’s certainly not because he’s throwing grapefruits across the plate at 40 mph.

When you say Papelbon in New England, the word doesn’t need to be followed by “the closer for the Red Sox.” Everyone knows who the man is. More people know who Papelbon is than who the mayor of Boston is, and no one knows who the mayor of Worcester is, unless they live in Worcester, and even then, the odds are 50-50. Further, you Massholes, when you say Papelbon across the nation, it doesn’t need to be followed up by “the closer for the Boston Red Sox” 80 percent of the time. Everyone from Cape Cod, Massachusetts to Cape Wrangell, Alaska has heard of Johnathan Papelbon. Maybe he has not won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the man has almost as much name recognition as Barack Obama. Seriously.

He’ll be hard enough on himself this winter without Boston goons analyzing his every move. Have none of you ever met a real athlete?! They do more self-analysis than me and my shrink. They do more guilt than a Jewish grandmother. They re-watch the game footage, they practice non-stop on perfecting their motions. They relive their defeats every night. Sure, he’ll let it go… mostly. But we all know that Jonathan Papelbon is never going to forget that horrible, awful, dreadful (I’m getting carried away) outing when he single-handedly knocked the Red Sox out of the ALCS!

Right… sorry about that.

Like most of you, I’m still not over the loss. In fact, I remember thinking I could seek comfort in watching the Pats win, but that didn’t happen either. Then, I thought I could for sure count on a Bruins win on Columbus Day! It’s been a famine around here lately.

Forget Papelbon, but just swing by and make sure I’m still alive in a few days, OK?

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter

Hit Like A Girl-Why Paps isn't Taking Theo's Job

I’ve been having this reoccurring dream where Jonathan Papelbon leaps out from the bullpen, sprints all the way to the pitcher's mound, and pummels Billy Wagner to the ground while screaming, “Who’s your closer now?!”

And then I wake up in a cold sweat swinging my arms and legs frantically while yelling, “No Papelbon, no! We need him, you hack!” Needless to say, it has been pretty horrible.

For those of you who live under a rock (like me) Papelbon recently discussed his true feelings regarding Wagner with WEEI.com. To be more specific, Papelbon said, "What has he done? Has he pitched this year? Is he ready to pitch or is he not? I think our bullpen is good where we're at right now. Don't get me wrong, I guess you could always make it better. It's kind of like the [Eric] Gagne thing, I guess."

Firstly, Wagner’s agent is Bean Stringfellow. I thought this was a joke for a few days, but when I found out it was true I wanted to know who he killed to get that name. He must know the secret of life or something. I can only assume that he has passed this on to Wagner. Secondly, Paps thinks the bullpen is good where it is right now. Evidently he’s been dozing off too much during the games.

I can understand that Papelbon wants to protect the team dynamic. After all, the Boston bullpen is a tight bunch, but even Theo Epstein thinks Paps needs to shut up and pitch,

“I think Paps feels like he was misunderstood", Epstein said. “He’s not a Rhodes Scholar to begin with, obviously.” No, no he’s not.

Rhodes Scholar or not, Paps needs to realize that no one will soon take his position as Supreme Closer of the Baseball Universe. It’s sweet that he’s worried about the team chemistry, but what harm is there in bringing someone else in? Especially if they can help. I didn’t hear Papelbon complaining about any of the other players that were brought in recently. You can say the same thing about Victor Martinez or Alex Gonzalez. Where were you on those, Paps?! Plus, it’s clear Wagner has no intention of taking over. He said to the press recently that “the Red Sox have a great bullpen and I certainly don't want to come in and make it worse. I don't want to be a headache to anyone. I want to make it better." That’s just precious. Think of the potential to win Papelbon!

My dad told me on Tuesday night that he could tell I had become a true Red Sox fan because I was predicting our imminent doom before it even happened. I thought about arguing, then I thought about kicking him and running away. Unfortunately, I realized that not only is he too fast for me to run away from, but he’s right. We all sit around and say, “Oh we’re going to lose” and “Oh our bullpen sucks.” If we say it then it makes it acceptable. “Oh here comes another Red Sox loss.” Forget it you guys. How about we start supporting the win? Or maybe start seeing a therapist for our collective low self-esteem issues?

All I’m saying is that now I’m not surprised why Boston fans love Papelbon so much. He’s got the same mentality as the rest of Red Sox Nation: Don’t fix it because it’s totally not broken.

Now come on Paps, let Wagner join the Boston Bullpen Band.

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. She recently enjoyed the Torchwood:Children of Earth mini-series and she is totally unavailable, so stop sending me emails (guys and girls).

NO MORNING SHOW WEDNESDAY QUICK HITTERS

• More charges stemming from the drunk driving arrest of Maine Men’s Hockey player Nick Payson. Incoming freshman Joseph Diamond is facing possession of alcohol by a minor charges. Diamond is 20 yrs old.
• American Legion tournament begins today.
• The Portland Sea Dogs blast the Reading Phillies 12 – 1.
• Dice K controversy?
• The Oakland A’s came back and beat the Boston Red Sox 9 – 8 on Jim Rice Day at Fenway Tuesday

WEDNESDAY MORNING QUICK HITTERS

Papelbon pitches a scoreless 7th

• The American League takes home field advantage yet again in a 4 – 3 win over the National League.
• Former Boston Celtics forward Antoine Walker has gambling issues.
• Boston Sports Radio just got a little more interesting as Rock Giant WBCN will cease to exist and in it’s place will be 98.5 The Sports Hub, WBZ FM. The Hub will have the Patriots and the Bruins Networks next seasons.
• Former Patriots QB Matt Cassel lands a huge deal from the Chiefs.
• Erroneous Eric called The Dan Patrick Show and bragged about his car. This is the car.