Thursday, November 12, 2009
Who came up with hockey? I started to Wikipedia it, because Wikipedia has all the answers, but then I decided I’d rather just stick with the delusion under which I’ve been operating for a few years now.
On the seventh day,God did not rest. God made hockey.
I suppose I was doomed to love hockey. When I was young, it was a treat for my brother and I to stay up and watch the beginning of Rangers games (lest you forget, I am from New York). Over the years I’ve dabbled in various things hockey-related. Skating, hockey games, hockey players…
Disregard that last item.
Seriously though, my lovely significant other used to be an excellent goalie in high school. I’m telling you, there is a certain allure to hockey players. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: there is something humbling about missing your teeth. Or the potential of losing your teeth. Either one works. And aside from Sean Avery, hockey players seem to be pretty cool guys.
By the way, I would like the record to show that Sean Avery is the ultimate dink. I pray every night that he grows his very own pair of testicles some day.
How about those Bruins, huh? HUH?! As I type this they’re playing. By the time you read this article they probably will have lost. But let me keep the faith for at least another hour or so.
For the majority of this season, I’ve kept my love for the B's intact by obsessively checking out the photos of select Bruins studs that appeared in the Improper Bostonian. They’re even hanging in my cube at work. I don’t know what you men did. The only thing that kept me turning on Bruins games was Patrice Bergeron’s utter sexiness in a skinny, purple tie, Marc Savard’s piercing gaze, and Marco Sturm’s seductive smile. Who am I kidding? All you manly men out there were staring at them too.
Now I can almost watch the Bruins without having to take a long, cleansing shower afterwards! I don’t have to down a shot of Nyquil when someone mentions how much longer Lucic and Savard will be out! Why? The power play. Not only do the B's seems to be capable of hitting more than a post, but they scored during a power play.
The clouds opened up and angels sang. Literally.
The Bruins have finally started playing as God intended! They’re playing smart, they’re playing physical, and they’re taking no prisoners. OK, so that may be hockey as Satan intended, but most of us (those not in the loony, mixed up part of the country) know that Satan is cooler (and way more fun) than the Lord our savior. In fact, if God really loved us, the NHL would allow more checking, but that’s neither here nor there. What’s important is that the Bruins can score. They’re fun to watch again. Can you imagine what they’ll play like when Looch and Savard are back? It’s going to be complete and utter destruction.
As Jack Edwards would say, “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS BUILDING IS VIBRATING!”
Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. It was recently discovered she was not conceived, but just "made of awesome".