Thursday, December 17, 2009

Hit Like a Girl-#RedSox or Red Alert?


I’m feeling less twitchy about the Red Sox this week. The mention of a bridge year by Theo Epstein had me all but eating babies. Now, whether it was pressure from crazy Red Sox fans or just him regaining his sane mind, it doesn’t really seem as though Mr. Epstein has a bridge year in mind. Especially after acquiring John Lackey. That’s not a bridge year kind of signing Theo! What are you up to over there you little rascal?

Just as a bit of friendly advice (because Theo Epstein reads my column, you know), you may want to be more careful when tugging on the heartstrings of Bostonians. There is a bout of road rage going around.

If you don’t hear from me next week it’s because I was arrested for threatening Theo Epstein (or because it’s Christmas, DUH). Tell my mom I’m sorry.

Now, in general I don’t feel like the recent signings are enough to make us a World Series team. If we don’t get a bat in the lineup I’m likely to go insane. Literally. Like, "send me to an institution with padded walls" insane. Mike Cameron is a decent player, but he’s no Jason Bay. Yes, I know Bay isn’t gone yet, but let’s be realistic. If they wanted to sign Bay they wouldn’t have brought on Cameron. And Cameron is “meh” when it comes to hitting in comparison to Bay.

Lackey will certainly bring more depth to the Sox’ already stellar starting rotation, but he’s obviously not a bat. I do have to say though, I’m excited that he’s here. Even if I wasn’t, I would never speak ill of him. He’s a scary, scary man who somewhat resembles Sloth from The Goonies. In fact, I heard they were distant cousins.

As an aside: Will all of you crazies out there who think that Lackey’s arrival means an eventual farewell to Beckett just shut up? I doubt there is any way the Sox are letting him go any time soon unless he goes all Kenny F'ing Powers on us and demands an outrageous amount of money because he’s f'ing in and you’re f'ing out! Regardless of what he wants, the Sox are going to have the money to spend. Lowell, Ortiz, and Lugo’s contracts are up. Let’s not get all stingy with the money now. I’m talking to you, John Henry.

As a second aside: I’m over Ortiz. I just wish he would retire so that we can all remember him as the great power hitter he was and not the limp-wristed ninny he has become.

Getting back on track, I’m a bit baffled by the Cameron acquisition. He seems like a thoroughly decent guy, plenty of personality, but why him? Why not Bay? I realize that he’s less expensive to have on the roster, and that he has decent stats, but really? I’m feeling blah about this one. His signing is neither exciting nor disappointing, it just is. I don’t know, maybe even I, an avid hater of Manny Ramirez, am still holding out in hopes that his double exists.

Regardless, my mind continues to be boggled by this Jason Bay nonsense. I simply don’t understand why he’s not good enough. He’s a proven, solid player who does well in Fenway and was a quick fan favorite. His defensive skills could be better, but despite that he was a great fit. I don’t think Sox fans could have hoped for better after the departure of Manny. Yet, this mystery “medical issue” or whatever the hell you want to call it has prevented us from keeping a player that would have contributed significantly to the team. It’s not like he was asking for 6 or 7 years. I believe Bay is 31 (I’m far too lazy to look it up), and he only wanted until he was 35 (if he is, in fact, 31).The Red Sox aren’t strangers to clauses in contracts that protect them from pre-existing medical conditions. They’re doing exactly what I said they would do, going for the two for one discount: Mike Cameron and Jeremy Hermida for just 5 million less than the price of one Jason Bay. I’d rather have Jason Bay.

Now, if we want to talk about someone I am willing to kick out the door, it’s Jacoby Ellsbury. Especially if we’ll be getting Adrian Gonzalez. The thought of that trade makes me uncomfortably happy. It’s not that I have anything against Ellsbury, I think he’s a fine player. But with all the issues he had last year with getting on base, I’d rather have someone who can knock it out of the park. Do it, Theo. Do it now.

Last but not least: Mike Lowell is still in Boston. For now. As of 1pm on Thursday. He hasn’t left me yet! At this point I just feel bad for the guy. The Sox are showing him no love. I guess I’m ready for it. Hell, if I was Lowell I would want out at this point. This is the second year now that the Red Sox have tried to rid themselves of him. Mike, if you need a shoulder to cry on, you can come on over. I’ll comfort you. As long as Milan Lucic and Patrice Bergeron aren’t over. (Even Sam makes Lowell feel like he's second-best).

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. She wasn't born when The Goonies were originally released.

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