Friday, January 08, 2010

Hit Like A Girl-Where Tito Looks Like Elmer Fudd


Happy New Year and all that other crap! I hope each and every single person reading this gained more Christmas weight than I did (impossible!).

Boston sports have been boggling my mind lately. Mostly in the worst way possible. I’ve started a hit list of various GMs and head coaches. Ignore the twitching.

Since I missed writing this article so much last week, and I feel like I have a multitude of meaningless things to say that for whatever reason you will read (probably out of boredom, or you’re looking for that one last reason to commit suicide) I’m going to touch all the bases this week. You may now clap for the cheesy sports metaphor.

I’m going to start with the Celtics because despite having three of their stars on the bench with injuries, they still won their game against the Raptors, and beat the Heat. Everyone keeps saying that they’re amazed, but there isn’t anything to be amazed about. The Celts are a solid team that can play with or without their stars. It’s their stars that bring them continuous success, but the team is strong enough and cohesive enough that when one (or THREE) of these guys is out, they can win a game. I hate basketball, but for that, Celtics, I applaud you.

The Patriots are screwed. They were screwed before they lost Wes Welker to a knee injury, but they’re even more screwed now. Screwed, screwed, screwed...just in case you weren’t getting the point the first three times I said it. The Pats haven’t really played well all season. They played well enough to get by. In fact, I don’t feel like we saw the Patriots team that we know and love until they played the Jaguars. Great timing guys. It was one of the last games of the season and the next game you went on to lose your best wide receiver. Before the Welker injury, a Patriots Super Bowl win would have required a miracle. Now it would require a miracle and for Tom Brady to give up his wonder-spawn to the Lord of the Underworld. Gisele won’t go for that.

In terms of baseball, the Red Sox are giving me an ulcer. I need to either stop paying attention to the trades made in the off-season or stop caring. Neither of those things seem like they’re going to happen, so I suppose I’m stuck waking up with a stomach ache every day. I’m not even kidding. I’ve had a stomach ache every day this week. I blame Boston sports.

Getting back on track...the only signing that I’m happy with is the Lackey signing. Other than that, Theo Epstein seems to have some creepy fascination with Golden Glovers. Theo. Darling. Our defense is one of the best I’ve ever seen. It’s phenomenal! It would make me squeal with glee if we had at least one slugger. Unfortunately, we do not. Because you are a dinkus. Regardless of whether it is a win or a loss, every game will be 1-0.

The Boston Bruins are a hot mess, no? The only guys playing up to the level they should be playing are Patrice Bergeron and Tuukka Rask. Unfortunately, since Dennis Wideman is a schmuck, Bergy is out for a few weeks. Thanks a lot, asshole.

For the most part, the B’s have been unable to sustain a streak this season. There was one going on for a while around the beginning of the season, but they inevitably blew it when they got too cocky. It’s almost as though they feel they deserve to win without putting forth the effort. And then, when they lose embarrassingly, they come back the next game to make up for it. Unfortunately, playing like that will not win them a Stanley Cup.

It’s not even that we need a 50 goal a season scorer right now. B’s fans need to stop blaming our lack of solid offense on the fact that we traded Kessel. Kessel was a little shit who didn’t fit at all with the team. He wasn’t a hard worker, he wasn’t physical, and he skated with his head down ALL THE TIME. That last item has nothing to do with my point, it just really bothered me. If guys like Ryder and Sturm would push a little harder (Savard would be included had he not wrecked his leg against the Blackhawks), we would be fine. These guys have been a huge disappointment this season and I’m about to stalk them to their homes and show them a thing or two about passion.

Ah-hem. Excuse me, that was inappropriate.

With the New Year comes… well, nothing new unfortunately. Don’t get down though. Terry Francona looks like Elmer Fudd. If that doesn’t make you smile then you’re missing part of your soul.


Samantha Lewis is the Creative Director for Northshore Editorial and can be found on Twitter right here. She's pretty much a harbinger of doom and destruction.

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